It wasn't even "real." It wasn't "official." So why does a situationship hurt so much—sometimes even more than relationships that had a name? If you're wondering why you can't just "get over" something that technically wasn't anything, you're not alone. And there are real reasons for your pain.
The Feelings Were Real
Let's start with the obvious: your feelings don't need a label to be valid. Your brain released the same bonding chemicals—dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin—regardless of whether they called you their partner. You fell for someone. That someone didn't fully fall back. That hurts.
Situationship pain isn't imaginary. The connection was real. The hopes were real. The intimacy—emotional, physical, or both—was real. The only thing missing was the commitment. And that missing piece is exactly what makes it hurt so uniquely.
You're Mourning What Could Have Been
In a traditional breakup, you grieve what was. In a situationship, you grieve what almost was—the relationship you could see but never got to have. This ambiguous loss is psychologically harder to process.
- You saw the potential so clearly
- You believed they'd eventually choose you
- You imagined the relationship you were building toward
- None of those dreams got a fair chance
"Situationship grief is grieving a relationship that existed in potential but never in reality. You're mourning a future that was always uncertain."
You Don't Get "Real" Closure
Official relationships usually end with a conversation—painful, but clarifying. Situationships often fade, ghost, or end with "I'm just not ready for something serious right now." There's no clean break, no acknowledged ending, no ritual of goodbye.
This lack of closure leaves questions spinning:
- Did they ever care at all?
- Was I just convenient?
- Why wasn't I enough to commit to?
- Were we ever on the same page?
Without answers, your mind fills in the blanks—usually with the worst assumptions.
Your Pain Gets Minimized
One of the cruelest parts of situationship heartbreak: people don't take it seriously. "It was just a fling." "You weren't even together." "At least it wasn't a real relationship."
This minimization makes you feel like you're being dramatic—so you suppress your feelings instead of processing them. Suppressed grief doesn't disappear. It just takes longer to heal.
You Were Invested in the Uncertainty
Ironically, the ambiguity that makes situationships frustrating also makes them addictive. Variable rewards—sometimes they're attentive, sometimes distant—are more psychologically compelling than consistent ones.
You got just enough to keep hoping. The hope kept you attached. Now that hope has to die—and hope is hard to kill.
It Challenges Your Self-Worth
The core question in every situationship: "Why am I not enough to commit to?" Even if you know logically that their unavailability isn't about you, it still stings. It still whispers that you were good enough to spend time with, but not good enough to keep.
You Lost Time Waiting
Looking back, you might feel grief mixed with regret. Time spent waiting. Opportunities passed by. Your own clarity sacrificed for their ambiguity. This isn't about blame—but it is about loss.
How to Heal
- Stop calling it "not a real relationship" - Your feelings were real. That's enough.
- Give yourself permission to grieve - Properly. Out loud. To people who understand.
- Write the closure you didn't get - A letter you'll never send can help.
- Block and unfollow - Cut off the supply of hope.
- Challenge the self-worth story - Their inability to commit says nothing about your worth.
- Be patient - Situationship healing is real healing. It takes time.
Why do situationships hurt so much? Because love without commitment is still love. Because hope without certainty is still hope. And losing both at once—without even the dignity of a breakup—is its own kind of grief.